I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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