And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
