cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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