So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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