I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
