You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
