she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
