If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
