I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If I die, sorry about rent.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
