even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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