angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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