My nipple is on Facebook.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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