yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
