Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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