Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize