I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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