Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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