if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
