i permit you to call me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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