I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dicks are not precious.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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