im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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