He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
