theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
