it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
as a side note pls kill me
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