Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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