Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
