So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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