dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
