Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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