it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
