and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
