You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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