My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
