how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
