chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Everclear isn't food dammit
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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