ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize