Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
