Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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