Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
3 2 1 whiskey
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
