This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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