When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
