he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
