i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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