I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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