i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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