I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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