I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
