You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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