oh god the rape fog is back!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
