On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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