I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
420 ftw
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize