Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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