and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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