He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
