How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
