I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
