Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
