tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
