Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
