I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
