They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I met the friendliest cop last night
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
