I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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