Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ugly people sure do ruin things
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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