i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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