I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
