My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
