Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
