Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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